I’m having some confused feelings about one of my best friends, T. I’ve developed a crush on him, and I’ve tried really hard not to like him for fear that it might make our friendship complicated, but I can’t help liking him. Sometimes he sends off signals that say “I like you,” and others that say “You’re my friend.” What should I do? Do I wait for him to tell me that he likes me too? Keep in mind, he’s shy.

I can so, so, sooo relate to those feelings! I wish it weren’t the way of things, but 99.999999 percent of the time, when a guy and girl are really good friends, one person is bound to develop feelings for the other. If those deeper feelings were always mutual, it would be awesome! But unfortunately, they’re usually one-sided. It’s just human nature to begin to care for someone as “more than friends” when you spend so much time together and share so much of yourself with someone.

So...what do we do about it?

I don’t know T, so I can’t speak for the mixed signals you feel he’s sending you. It could be that he’s not sure how he feels himself! But I can give you some advice. No matter how good of friends you are, don’t compromise what you deserve to get what you want. Let me explain.

We girls are notorious for going after what we want. That can be a good thing, like when we train really hard to get that spot on the varsity team. Or when we study like crazy to get the grades we need to attend the college we’ve been dreaming about since jr. high. But that go-getter attitude often spills over into our love life. We see something we want (in your case, a more romantic relationship with T), and we find ourselves doing whatever it takes to try to get it (calling more, flirting, manipulating circumstances to be near him, etc.). That’s not the way it should work! See, even though you’re great friends with T, you deserve to be pursued. You are one beautiful, intelligent, captivating young woman, and any guy who deserves even a small piece of your heart will see that beauty and do whatever it takes to win your heart. No shyness will come in the way of a guy who sincerely wants to pursue a girl for the right reasons. At risk of sounding medieval, make him work for your heart, sis! Make him prove himself over time.

Okay, now here comes the hard part. What if your BFF doesn’t feel the same way about you? What then?

Getting over a crush comes down to one very difficult thing: getting control of your thought life. The emotions you feel (like those butterflies doing acrobatics in your intestines every time he walks into the room) stem from the thoughts you think (like “Ooh, he’s sooo cute when he smiles like that!”). So to change your emotions—to get rid of those “crushy” feelings—you have to think more rational thoughts. To quote Paul, you have to think about  “what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (Philippians 4:8, New Living Translation).

If you’re serious about getting over your crush on T (or even just getting it down to a manageable size so that you won’t “ruin your friendship,” as you put it), I’ve got some homework for you! Get out a piece of paper and write down all the thoughts you have about T in a day. Here are a couple examples:

“I hope T sits next to me at youth group tonight.”
“I can totally see marrying someone like him.”
“I wonder what it would be like to kiss those sweet lips.” (Okay, that one was for laughs!)

Now get out another piece of paper and right down one better thought to replace each of those.

“I really hope the worship band plays my favorite song tonight at youth group.”
“Lord, help me to become a godly woman so I can be a good wife someday.”
“I wonder what would happen if I put five Mentos in a bottle of diet Coke.” (Please don’t try this at home, kids.)

You get the idea, right? Whenever you catch yourself thinking one of the thoughts on the first sheet of paper, make a conscious effort to replace that thought with a healthier, non-crush-inducing thought. It’s tough—I’m not going to lie! But with practice, discipline, and the Holy Spirit’s help, I think you’ll be surprised at the results. Oh, and you’ll probably want to limit how much time you spend with him. It’s not going to get any easier if you see his cute lil’ face 24 hours a day. Savvy?

More than anything, sis, my prayer is that you will draw closer to God as you wait to see what He has in store for you. Friends and guys will come and go, but One will remain constant. Don’t neglect the most important relationship you have for anyone or anything.

Love,