Ask Jessie / I’ve had a crush on one of my guy friends for a while. For a while, I really thought he liked me back. He would always flirt with me and stuff. A friend convinced me to tell him that I like him, which I kind of regret now. He was really nice for a while, but then he started liking one of my best friends, and she liked him back, despite of me and my feelings. (I’m having a really hard time forgiving her for that!) Well, they broke up today. Should I let him know that I still like him? Or should I even like him?

Oh, how tempting it is to tell the guy we're crushin' on that we're into him! I think deep down (or maybe not so deep down!) we hope that if we tell him how we feel, he'll come back and tell us that he has been madly in love with us all along, but just wasn't sure how to say it. Right? It's the classic romantic comedy we watch way too much of.

As girls we have been trained (by the media and society in general) to go after what we want. That's not always a bad thing (like with a job or an education), but when that "something" is a guy, we go against the way God designed guy/girl relationships when we girls take matters into our own hands. Sometimes we even go after what we want in the name of "honesty." I have heard girls say something like, "I want to be truthful. If I like him but don't tell him, isn't that being dishonest?" No way! Proverbs talks a lot about the wisdom in guarding your emotions and how you express them (see Proverbs 4:23; 25:28; 29:11; etc.).

Sometimes it's in our favor to not share how we're feeling, and I think this is one of them. By keeping your feelings for him close to your heart, you preserve your dignity while you wait to see what his feelings are. Any guy worth your heart, sis, will be willing to do whatever it takes to pursue you! Shyness, fear of rejection, nerves—none of those will hold a godly guy back once he's convinced you are the one for him. The brutal, honest truth, though, is that a lot of times, we have crushes on someone who doesn't feel the same way about us. That hurts! No way around it. But we only compound our hurt when we put ourselves out there by sharing more of our feelings than we should.

Whether or not you "should" like him is another matter, and a question I can't answer for you. My book Respect: How to Get It, How to Give It (in the bookstore) goes into more detail about what to look for in a guy, and what to watch out for. But common sense, open eyes, and a lot of prayer will go a long way too! The fact that he acted like he liked you without giving you any verbal confirmation sends up red flags for me. You deserve a guy who will respect your feelings enough to shoot straight with you!

Now, about your friend... I know you may adamantly disagree with me, and I know this will hurt (at least) a little, but here's my two cents. Please know that I give it in love, and out of experience! I don't think your friend has done anything WRONG in going out with him, even if she knew that you liked him. Just because a girl has feelings for a guy, he is not automatically off limits to everyone else on the planet. Of course, that friend should have the utmost care and respect for your feelings, being honest with you and letting you know how hard a decision it was for her to risk hurting her friend to date someone she really liked. I don't know how she has acted toward you in all of this, so if she has hurt you by secrecy or mean words, by all means talk it out with her. But if your only bitterness toward her is that she got to date the guy that you like... if that's the case, I think you'd be wiser to take your hurt to God and let him heal your heart, rather than blame her. Proverbs 17:9 (NLT) says, "Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends," and 19:11 says, "Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs."

Sis, I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting! I hope that this hasn't come across as too harsh, because I definitely know how it feels to have strong feelings for a guy who isn't jumping over hurdles to get to me! Boy, do I know! But out of all that hurt—and now being blessed with an amazing, godly husband—I can tell you that it's 100 percent better to wait for a guy who will be head over heels for you and be willing to pursue you than to settle for anything less.

Love you, sis!

Other questions in this category

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