Ask Jessie / This guy likes me, but I only see him as a friend. How should I tell him in a way he'll understand? The thing is I've already been through this with him before, but I guess he forgot. I just don't want him to think that I can't stand him. I want us to stay friends. Any advice?

Hey again, sis.
I can totally relate to your new dilemma! My husband clued me into something when we started dating. He said that no matter how innocent a guy/girl friendship is, eventually 99.9% of the time one of the two will start developing feelings for the other. Your friendship with this guy is a perfect example. God has wired us to work that way. The bummer is that once romantic feelings hit, sis, the friendship will never be the same. I found myself in that situation more than once; sometimes I was the one who wanted more than friendship, and sometimes the guy was the one who started developing feelings for me. I think the latter situation was hardest, though, because I hate to hurt any one's feelings!

Our tendency as girls is to be too nice about it. Since we don't want to hurt his feelings, we try to "break it to him gently". Our intentions are noble, really, but according to my hubby we don't do the guy any favors by beating around the bush. If we're too nice, the guy will likely take our wishy-washiness as hope that things might work out between you in the future. (Wouldn't we if we were in his shoes? It's human nature to want some hope to cling to!) So the best thing to do is to be polite but firm in letting him know you're not interested—at all.

Step two: Be very careful about how you act around him in the future. Even if you were to act the exact same way around him as you always have, he may now interpret your smiles, attention or even teasing as you showing interest in him. Again, it's just human nature. So as much as you want to stay friends and keep things the way they have "always been", that's just not possible any longer. Your friendship—just your presence—would now torture the guy. (If you don't believe me, think of how hard it would be for you to have to be "just friends" with a guy that you were totally crushing on. If you've never been there, trust me, it's awful!)

I share all that because I'm guessing if this guy didn't take the hint after the last time you told him, you may be (unknowingly, of course) leading him on. So my advice is to tell him again—in no uncertain terms—that you're not interested in a relationship with him. Then do your best to steer clear of him for a while. No, you don't have to avoid him like the plague or tell him you never want to see his face again! Just be aware that the more you're around him, the more you talk to him or even look at him, the harder it's going to be for him to move on. Then if in time he's able to get past his feelings for you, you won't have to be so careful. But unfortunately, the friendship will probably never be the same.

I don't know if that's hard advice to hear or not, but I hope you'll at least mull it over. I tell you what, I've learned a lot about how guys work since marrying my husband (he's a great teacher!), but I wish I would have known about all this when I was in high school and college! I had no idea how easily guys can misinterpret our "niceness."

Love,
Jessie

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